I contemplate the day we wed.
It’s Valentine’s Day. Why not use that as a reason to write a sappy love blog. I am not going to see my girlfriend today because we go to different universities, and to be honest, this day doesn’t seem to mean as much to people in happy committed relationships as it appears to mean to bitter lonely people on the internet.
I am pretty much the worst boyfriend ever. The number of times that I have told my girlfriend that I am going to kill myself greatly outweighs the amount of times that I have told my girlfriend that I love her. And I have not picked up a gift for her yet because I have not had the opportunity or the cash. But at least I know exactly what I want to get her. I’d tell you, but she reads this.
Sometimes I think about the future, our future. And I totally see her as being “the one.” One problem with this idea is the fact that I am her first boyfriend. My stance on the issue is that I like her enough to stop having sex with other girls, but at least I have dated other people to know this. I read an article that says you really should not get married until you’ve been in at least ten relationships. I completely agree with that mentality. Most first relationships are a test run. I’ve been in this relationship for almost two years. That is a long enough time frame where I no longer fear that it is just a test run, but I still have like an Amish mentality. Like she should have a period in her life where she gets to go be free and do what she wants to do with other people and experience other lifestyles before she chooses to settle down with me forever. I don’t think I’ve ever mentioned the idea to her, and I’m sure she’d be unhappy with it, but how’s she ever going to know I am “the one” if she has no other relationships to compare this one to.
And then there’s the matter of mortality. What if I were to die right now by my own choosing. Would that be fair to her? Is it fair to allow someone to fall in love with you and spend two years with them and then kill yourself and leave them alone and probably scarred from the situation. It makes sense to stay single until you figure out if you actually want to create strong emotional attachments to other people on this planet. But is it selfish to want to stay committed to the best relationship of your life in the mean time as you’re learning to stay alive?
As for my actual wedding day. I can’t even imagine. Is the groom allowed to be drunk? Or would that be a bad sign for the rest of the marriage. I just don’t deal well with being the center of attention, or being expected to show any emotions. So I am going to feel so awkward with many eyes staring at me expecting something from me and I’ll just be like bah humbug. When I think about it, I don’t want to have a huge extravagant wedding, but I definitely want it to be a beautiful celebration about our love and our future. I have not worked out any of the details, like exactly how large of a guest list this might entail, but I have plenty of time to think about those sorts of things. Unless I die, which means I won’t have to worry about those details at all.
I came up with another baby name today. These are the names I feel strongly about naming my children: Alice, Jane, Kurt, Molly, and Seth. I realize that there are five names there, and I just don’t think I have the strength in me to raise five children. That would be one very large family. With a lot of financial obligations.
To be honest, as much as I’d love to have my own family and my own children. I wonder if it’s practical. What if I were to die and I left them alone with their mother. They’d probably resent me for the rest of their lives as they deal with their own problems. Problems like the fact that some studies link suicide to DNA. The reason I grew up with my father after my parents got divorced is because my mother tried to kill herself when I was two. And the reason I moved out of my father’s house is because I got tired of hearing him talk about how he was going to kill himself every day. And now I talk about killing myself all of the time. If this is genetic, why would I want to bring more children into this world with death wishes.
Ok. That has been my sappy Happy Valentine’s Day blog.
