sea nymph on acid scaling a wall in the sunshine

I do not know where I am going with this blog entry.

I do not know where I am going with my life.

It’s been a month now and I am still entirely upset about this breakup. I wish that I could just cocoon myself up for the next two months and let this whole thing blow over, but I refuse to do that because the weather is warming up, and I don’t want to miss out on what could be a fantastic summer just because some girl doesn’t want to spend it with me.

The hardest thing about being single is being unable to find anybody who wants to do anything. Everybody seems to be booked with other plans at all times. I am going to miss out on everything because I don’t have the confidence to go out and enjoy things on my own. I wonder how many opportunities I will miss this summer because of that.

I can understand why people jump from relationship to relationship. It’s a good feeling to know that somebody that you want to be around wants to be around just as much.

I am a fully-functional independent person, so I don’t “need” a significant other to feel complete. However, I am a normal and social human being, so it does get lonely when there’s nobody in my bed. Sometimes I feel like rebounding and finding myself on top of another girl, but lately I’ve just been feeling like I don’t want to be touched.

I don’t regret settling down when I was a teenager. For these past three years, she was exactly who I wanted to spend my time with, even if I was young and presented a world of other options. I also don’t hate her for realizing that she’d be happier without me.

Most of my coworkers are happily married and under thirty. I wouldn’t say that is one of my personal goals, but I am not against the idea of getting married young, especially if it’s with the right person. I convinced myself that I had found, “the one” but I still held onto my reservations because it’s just too difficult to believe that things will work out when every marriage around me was falling apart. I am glad that I did though, because I wasn’t completely caught off guard when she showed me just how fast and how far somebody can throw me away. Better now than in divorce court.

Sometimes she expresses interest in hanging out and getting back together, but I don’t. I don’t want to fall into that trap where people get back together with their exes just because they don’t have the strength and will power to move on to something better. I can see that the relationship failed for reason and now I need to move on. I know that I am not perfect, but I still remain hopeful that there is somebody out there who will desire and appreciate my company as much as I will desire and appreciate theirs.

I only got caught up in the lottery hype one time in my life. I had a good feeling about it, and I bought a single ticket. I convinced myself that I was going to win and that everything in my life would financially be smooth sailing from there on out. When the time for the drawing came, I didn’t match a single number. I haven’t played on my own since then.

Last week, my boss started a company pool. I had no interest in playing, but I was peer pressured. I didn’t want to become that story about the only guy at his company to not win the lottery because he couldn’t put in $2. We wound up winning $4. But because there was no big winner, everybody wanted to play again. This time we each contributed $4. That drawing is tonight and hopefully after this it will stop.

If I had to play the lottery, I’m glad to be doing it in a pool. I like feeling like I have a larger chance to win even if my share of the prize will be significantly smaller. I do wish that we had a written contract that everybody signed because in the event that we do win, I can only imagine the chaotic nightmare that this is going to become.

I think the scariest thing about the lottery is how every single person that you know in your life is probably going to look at you differently. You’ll become the generous go to guy who is expected to hand out money now that he’s got it. It’s kind of lame. But one person even having that much money when so many other people are struggling to survive is also kind of lame. It’s terrifying to imagine all of the ways that a fortune can ruin one’s life.

I find sports to be horribly unentertaining unless they’re the summer Olympics. Right now I am at my first baseball game in fifteen years and the Yankees are down by seven runs and it is still only the first inning. I am going to stuff my face with overpriced french fries and count down the hours until I get to go home. At least my phone has eighty percent of its battery left and they do sell beer here. I’m just scared that a foul ball is going to hit me in the face if I don’t stay focused on the game.